being a cancer survivor is a lot to live up to.
all the best laid plans…ride everyday, yoga everyday, meditate everyday, give to others everyday, be thankful everyday, be happy everyday, be nice everyday, eat right everyday, smile everyday, work everyday, journal everyday, sure, sure, sure.
i made that pact with the higher power i negotiate with. i will be better if you make this cancer go away, and i will be even better if it is not cancer. it was cancer and it is gone. so, why can’t i live up to my end of the bargain?
somehow it sounded easier and more ideal when i was pleading. it was the “me” before i knew i had cancer, before surgeries, before having part of my body removed, before i had to face having cancer, it was the “before me” making the plea.
and now it is the “after me” trying to make good on the deal.
i can say that yes, i have been on my bike, and yes, i have been to yoga, and i have meditated, and yes, i do bring a donut to the boy on the corner, and yes i do say thank you, and i have moments of being nice, and fruit and vegetables make it into my mouth, and yes, a smile here and there, and a drawing has made it into the pile and most i write is a list here and there. though, none of this has been everyday.
everyday, i have to adjust my plan, adjust my deal because some days i am sure i am the “before me” and other days i am the “after me” and sometimes i am just me.
i know how good it feels on my bike, to sweat in yoga, to sit in meditation, to help a friend, to be thankful and happy and nice and smiling with a full belly, and the comfort of the pen on the paper. yet, somehow still my body or my mind rebels with lethargy, cynicism and disbelief, though not everyday, thankfully.
shouldn’t “after me” be swinging from the rafters, jumping for joy? shouldn’t “after me” be behaving like lance armstrong, christina applegate, sheryl crow or my dad or how about spark from mattapoisett? shouldn’t the “after me” know how precious life is and act on it. or has cancer taught me to not set such high expectations, not to be so hard on myself, to stop and smell the roses, or is that just an excuse?
this must all be why i signed up for the Pan Mass Challenge.
i must have known i would need a push, a goal, a no way out. now, truly, there is no backing out, having surpassed my fundraising goal! everyone has been so generous in their support.
i know i can’t do it alone, though i know i must do it alone, though not everyday.
thank you Karen, Rob, Mr. & Mrs. Eaton, David, Tom and Leslie.